Well, I Had to Kill the Kids’ Hamster

(Another classic from the mcarp archives… the prophetic genius and brilliance are his;
the ones/zeros, pixels, pictures and subheads and pull-quotes are mine.)

“But I gave him a fighting chance.”

Former television news director (1978)

I never understood why anyone wanted to be a news director, anyway. Talk about a thankless job. Now, it’s gotten to where some of the big companies won’t even let their ND’s go to the RTNDA convention once a year and least pretend for a week they’re doing something besides signing their own names to consultants’ faxes.

I worked for 17 news directors over 25 years, which gives you some clue about the average job tenure of news directors. Some of them were solid leaders or solid journalists, or sometimes both. And about a fourth were people I wouldn’t have hired to mow my lawn. Of course, then again, the guy who mows my lawn doesn’t need a focus group to tell him how to do it.

One ND was an alcoholic. One was a drug addict. One was both an alcoholic and a drug addict. Another made management decisions based on ‘psychic dreams.’ And the nuttier they were, the longer they seemed to hang on. It was the rational ones, with a grasp on reality, that usually cratered most quickly.

Remains of the Day

A bunch of us were sitting one evening at a local media hangout, rehashing the day. It was the usual shop talk: two-hour drives to stories that had fallen through, items that didn’t make slot, who was in and who was out in our competitors’ newsrooms.

During a brief lull in the conversation, our news director — working on his third or fourth margarita — offered how his day had gone.

“Well, I had to kill the kids’ hamster this morning.”

The rest of the table, not surprisingly, fell silent.

“He had gotten out of his cage and chewed a hole in my fishing waders. So, he had to die.

“I gave him a fighting chance, though. I put him in the middle of the garage floor, and turned the schnauzers loose. I figured if he made it under the lawn mower, well… survival of the fittest, you know.

“But he didn’t. Too bad.”

So, our news director had amused himself before coming to work by watching his dogs tear his children’s pet to pieces.

Setting His Sights

The ratings were not being good to this guy. The network had jumped from third to first place, but our local news was still mired in third. A complete reworking of the product — new set, new name, new promos and graphics — had made no impact at all. He had brought in a new, glamorous ‘pretty boy’ anchor from another city, whom the viewers had greeted with howls of laughter.

(“We didn’t hire him just for his pretty face!” the promos announced, as an attractive young woman followed him with her eyes, licking her lips as he walked by.)

And as the ratings chugged along in the basement, his demeanor worsened.

One day, he brought a rifle to work, and propped it against his desk.

“What’s that for?” a slightly nervous employee asked.

“I cracked the stock over the weekend,” he replied. “I’m taking it by the shop after work to get it fixed.”

But the next day, the rifle was back. And the day after that. And the day after that.

Finally, as the days stretched into weeks, we just got used to seeing the gun propped up against the desk, or laid across the top, and we quit asking about it.

He ended up getting fired at the station Christmas party — which is a story in and of itself. Thank God he didn’t have the gun with him then.

While the rest of the staff was in Studio One, getting wasted on punch and margaritas after the late news had wrapped, he was going on a rampage through the station. He tore excutives’ nameplates off their office doors, and tossed them in the toilet. He ripped pictures off the walls, and smashed them over his knees. On his way out the front door, he pulled the pole lamp down in front of the terrified night receptionist, and used it to to chop down the station Christmas tree.

But you know what? As news directors go, he was one of the better ones.

I had to work for a few who were really nuts.

(originally published by Michael Carpenter, republished with permission.)

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Comments

  1. Great stories, Ike. Made me think of the bizarre behaviors I witnessed while working in ad agencies. Though no one ever killed their kid’s hamster.
    I also remember the revolving door in news directors’ offices in every city where I worked. I believe half of them went on to became news programming consultants. Wonder why TV news sucks? I don’t.

  2. jennifer says:

    Omg. That was hilarious. Unfortunately, I can relate to all that insanity. Its amazing any of us came out alive.

Trackbacks

  1. Ike Pigott says:

    Well, I Had to Kill the Kids’ Hamster | http://ike4.me/o48 | [a tale of newsroom (in)sanity from the mcarp archives]

  2. Ike Pigott says:

    Newsrooms aren't any less crazy than they used to be | http://ike4.me/o48

  3. Hamster story is tragic RT @ikepigott: "Well, I had to kill the kids' hamster this morning…" | http://bit.ly/9tdN0k

  4. Bob Conrad says:

    RT @ikepigott: Newsrooms aren't any less crazy than they used to be | http://ike4.me/o48